A new “no texting or talking on your cell phone while driving” law passed in Oregon that has been in effect for about a month now. This means some changing of habits for me to say the least. Now I don’t need a law to tell me that text messaging while behind the wheel is dangerous. The few times I’ve done it, I’ve ended up either texting the wrong thing or texting the wrong person. Both were dangerous and embarrassing as I recall.
But this no talking on your phone thing, I mean really. It has thrown quite a wrench in my normal communication habits. I like to make calls when I’m out running errands because it kills two birds with one stone. Also, my kids are strapped in so I don’t have to attempt the nearly impossible task of keeping an eye on them while also relocating myself to another floor of the house or even out of the house all together in order to maintain a level of quietness in the background of my calls.
Now, there is a contingency option so to speak; this “hands free device” clause. Since my phone doesn’t have blue tooth capability I have come up with a couple of methods that sort of work for me while also staying within the bounds of the law...technically...I think...
One is where I give the phone to my three year old daughter to answer. I mean she’s not driving and she can talk so...this one seems pretty obvious. The only thing that sometimes interferes is her free will. Therein lies the wild card.
“Charley tell Daddy we’ll meet him at Baja Fresh in an hour.” I’ll instruct.
“Hey Dad, do you want to go to McDonald’s for lunch with us?” she’ll say.
“Your mom is taking you to McDonald’s? Your mom hates McDonald’s... Which one are you going to?” a confused daddy will ask.
“The one with the play place!” she’ll emphatically suggest.
“Off 224? Can I talk to mom?”
“Well, she’s busy driving right now so that’s why I’m calling. It’s unlegal ya know? Hey, I got new shoes! They are all pink and sparkly! They are a little bit big, but not too big because I am a BIG GIRL! Ya know Dad?”
“Um, yeah hey that’s great. Listen, Charley I have to go now because I have some work I need to do okay?”
“Okay. I’ll call you every five minutes!” Click.
Insert me into the background of this conversation saying things like, “No, Charley that’s not what I said!”, “Not McDonald’s-Baja Fresh!”, “ LISTEN TO ME!!” and “What did he say??” All this just to have her scold me for not being quiet while she was on the phone, “cause that’s rude. Ya know Mom? Oh and Daddy says I can get new shoes!” Yes, we are aware that she is delusional.
So what’s a girl to do other than take the phone while at a red light and try to discreetly send a text message while keeping the phone in my lap and one eye on the intersection in front of me so as to not appear as though I am texting. To clarify the crazy conversation my husband just had with our daughter he will then be obligated to engage in a string of confusing texts that read something like this:
“NOT! McD’s. Baha.”
“As in Bahahahaha the joke’s on you?”
“What? No.”
“Okay, so I’m headed out. See you in a few.”
“Where are you? We’ve already ordered.”
“I’m at McDonald’s off 224. Where are you?”
For obvious reasons I have found another method of communicating via the cell phone while driving necessary. In this scenario I’ve employed the “open the phone, set it in my lap and just yell in the direction of the phone” method. This works only if the other person is willing and able to yell back at me so that I can hear them. Devlyn sometimes is able to do this and we can exchange information such as, “I’m on the road and on my way to the dentist,” and “If you haven’t gone to the store yet, can you pick up some grape juice?” “Okay!” It’s successful, but a bit hostile to tell you the truth.
So for those times when I just want to call my husband, touch base and communicate sweet, endearing, loving and encouraging words, I’ve had to get REAL creative. Here’s what we do. I send him warm, tantalizing, love thoughts. (DON’T GAG! You know you wanna do it too!) Thoughts so dear and so strong that neither time, nor space, nor laws, nor three year olds can interfere with or keep them at bay!
Nonsense you say? How do I know it works? Because when Devlyn is at work and he receives these love thoughts, he immediately turns his collar all the way up around his neck. This is where he stores the thoughts until he comes home. They fit perfectly in this little makeshift cradle around his neck and ears. And once he gets home, I have visual confirmation that he received my thoughts and no one ends up eating lunch by themselves at a gross, greasy, grubby McDonald’s. Try it. You’ll love it. You’re welcome.
