Tuesday, October 21, 2008

A Yummy, Painful, Holiday, Decision Story

There are several ways to tell this story, depending on what kind of spin you want to put on it. I've decided to go with the "brutally honest" route. Yes, it's true I can be brutally honest when I put my mind to it. It's just that sometimes in life we contemplate, we make a pros and cons list before we make a decision, and then sometimes we just impulsively make a decision and analyze it later. We sway the pros and cons list in our favor, "Please, in the name of all that is heaven on earth, let this have been the right decision!"
Well, recently I came across just such a decision moment. I would say that my decision fell on the contemplative-impulsive side. Now before you say, "that's cheating," hear me out. It's just that I've been faced with this decision before many times and I've done the hemming and hawing and it always results in the same outcome. So while it would have appeared to the average passer-by-er that I totally did this impulsively, I would argue that I've done the contemplating so many times before, year after year, that I can sort of fast forward through the process in my mind to get to my conclusion. Here, in slow motion, I'll walk you through the many contemplative thoughts that took place in my mind.

Cruising down the dairy aisle at the grocery store, I saw...


And then in my MIND, I heard bells. Jingle bells...



And...


And then I wondered why the Angels I heard singing were black...my subconscious must've known that they had Whitney Houston as their choir director.

That Whitney Houston sure can sing!

Then in my MIND I saw...

The egg nog of my childhood...but then I realized that's pretty old egg nog and I wanted some fresh stuff. So in my MIND I prepared some fresh holiday egg nog and saw...


Mmmmm....and then I remembered that this last year we purchased a...
(Ours isn't red and overly retro like this one is, but I wish it were and since this is all taking place in my MIND...why not?) Which translates into...


And then there were more Whitney Houston-like angels singing. And then, still in my MIND, I thought of how an egg nog latte would be just the thing to take along on those evening sleigh rides...


Then I remembered we don't take sleigh rides around our neighborhood...but we do have children who do this...


For the love! For the children! "I believe that children are our future!"-Stop it Whitney, this is my blog, just because your angel choir gets a shout out doesn't mean you can take over! Cheesh, celebs, you give 'em an inch and they take a mile!

Then reality came back, flooding my MIND with these thoughts and images...


It's still fall...you haven't even carved your pumpkins yet!


And what about Thanksgiving?!


I am not a fan of mixing holidays! I want to be clear on this. I like to fully enjoy and celebrate each holiday before moving onto the next one. I don't like "having Christmas early" and I don't like "having Thanksgiving late" I'm a traditionalist! Don't tell anyone, it will ruin my easy-going-flexible-fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants reputation!
So far these thoughts have been controversial to the egg nog, not contradictory. Until now. Here's where my thoughts get really dark.


Premium Egg Nog Nutrition Facts

Serving Size 1/2 cup (120ml)

Servings Per Container 8

Ingredients: Cream, sugar, corn syrup, whey powder, egg yolks, nonfat milk solids, high fructose corn syrup, rum and other artificial flavors, nutmeg, carrageenan, guar gum, mono-and diglycerides, and annatto-turmeric (for color).
Comments:

Amount Per Serving




Calories 230



Calories from Fat 110




% Daily Value

Total Fat 12g



18%

Saturated Fat 7g



36%


AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!


Then I saw in my MIND Carrie, my Jazzercise instructor! (Who by the way is going to kill me if she ever sees this picture of herself!)

Double AAAAHHHHHH!

Then I came to my final conclusion, as I always do, which is that I was definitely going to need some egg nog to cope with all the stress these thoughts were producing!

So, in closing I don't regret my decision to start buying egg nog in October, but I would sincerely like to say to my stomach, hips and rear end, "Good luck! I'll be pulling for ya, we'll talk in January!"

(Please see above for the answer to this question.)

Manifestos of a Middle Child